Why, yes, I have been MIA

I have had a lot happening since last I posted. The good news, I've still lost some weight since my last post, and, despite several stressors have not gained back anything that I've lost so far. The bad news...I've become complacent!

Last week's weigh-in was 256.2, which is a loss of 73.8 pounds. Here's a couple of comparison pics from a few months ago, for those who are interested:




As you can see, there is a huge difference. :) However, I still struggle with my mental image of my body. In my head, I'm still at 330. Lately, it seems to be worse, and I can only assume that it's because I've fallen off the bandwagon lately.

I can't even pinpoint why I've been struggling so hard. I'm sure that part of it is living with Haroon full time and wanting to share meals with him and not "lose out" on experiences. But, why do we always equate good times with food? That's a societal problem, I know...not something unique to us! And, I know part of it has been my depression going untreated for awhile. Some of you may know that, before I started Jenny Craig, I started seeing a therapist for the issues leading to my emotional eating. Well, she moved, and then I moved...and work sucked...and, well, you all know (or should by now!) that isolation is the last thing someone fighting depression needs. But, my work hours have improved, I'm spending less time alone and feeling better---so why can't I get back on track?

First of all, I love cooking dinner for Haroon. But, it's silly to cook for him and then not eat it, you know?

My JCC is not as cool as I thought she was going to be. She talks....alot....and never really about weight loss or how I'm doing. I haven't even been measured since I started at this centre because she insists that my waist in about two inches below my bra band, which...um...hello...is still over my ribs, and those aren't going to change. Most of the time, she's running late, and then spends the time trying to excuse tardiness by telling me how the previous client was running late/really struggling/etc. I don't care!

Haroon has asked why I haven't started somewhere else yet....to tell you the truth...I don't know. Writing this now, I'm wondering if I'm just fearful of hitting that magical "half-way" point. But, will I ever get to the JC half-way with a JCC that doesn't help? Will the third try in JCC be "the charm?" I don't know. And, how the hell am I going to get motivated to get going again? To exercise?

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and hope that my writing this help someone else to realize he or she is not alone, as well.

So, for those still following....what do you do when you reach a state of complacency?

Yay!

So, last Thursday, I met "new" Barb at the new Jenny Craig centre. SO VERY GLAD I CALLED AND ASKED FOR HER! She's awesome. Not only did she actually tell me a little about her story, but she LISTENED to me! yay!

And, to make that visit even better? I was down 3 more pounds! Double Yay!

This past weekend, we had two Mother's Day cookouts--the second of which I finally met all my long-time boyfriend's brothers. That was intimidating! But, everything went very smoothly and all that emotional eating stress I was feeling prior to the cookout has gone.

I will say, however, that I'm struggling with my new life. I love our house, and I love living here with him, but....I hate leaving for three nights at a time to work. I've looked at positions available up here, but I have a pretty sweet set-up where I'm at (low patient load, no nights, no weekends...couldn't get much better!)

We'll see how long this continues, as it gets harder each week (and I'm only on week three!)

I'll keep you posted!

blUGH

Well, today was my second visit at my new JC Center. I don't think this new consultant and I are going to work out. When I called to make my first appointment, the woman I spoke with didn't even seem to listen when I said that my old consultant and the centre director thought new Barb would be a good match...it was like I was speaking french or something.

Then, I walked in that day, met the centre director (who was very busy) and I really don't think he realized that I was the client he should be setting up with new Barb. So,I go Tracy. She's very sweet, but...tiny...and she "goes for a run" when she's upset. Really? Do I look like a runner? My knees hurt going upstairs, I don't need to pound the pavement with added speed! She is very nice, but we're just too different, I think. She's very upbeat and everything, but it's almost to the point of feeling fake. And, I mean really....I doubt she's ever been close to 50 pounds overweight, much less 150!

So, I left the centre crying today. Not because I gained, but because I don't feel like I'm being heard. I actually lost 2 pounds again (now, just a couple more until I'm back to where I was pre-move. But, we went to do measurements, and I was told I was doing them wrong. Hello! I've been on the program since August, I know how to old a fkn measuring tape! I can't help that my measurements have been done differently than you do them at the new centre, but...it's my body, my money and my time..can't we just keep doing them the same way? And, btw..your waist is not under your breasts! I'm a nurse, I know anatomy. Every measurement she took was higher than the previous ones, which can't be true because my bras, underwear and jeans are WAY too big now!

UGH

I'm so frustrated I could just scream. And, I can't even verbalize any of this to anyone else, because I feel like I'm being too picky or something. I don't know...

On a lighter note...we're officially homeowners. No, the move itself, nor the first household repair made us realize this. It was instead, yesterday when we were both working out in the yard after buying a mower, then sitting inside with DIYnetwork on nearly 24/7 that has made us realize this! We're so weird. ;)

Crying in the fitting rooms....my "OMG" moment

So, again I've been MIA. Gotta tell ya, just haven't felt like I've got any insight to offer...until now. Hopefully, this will help someone else see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, I had my next-to-last meeting with my JCC, Barb, because I'll soon be moving to a new area. Talk about overwhelming! As if leaving your hometown and family isn't enough to stress about, now I have to worry about some new consultant that doesn't know me? Ugh!

But, being as great as she is, Barb called the Jenny Craig center near where I'm moving and talked to the program director. She thinks that they have someone that will be a good match for me...and her name is Barb, as well. I'm having some "New Adventures of Old Christine" type thoughts. ha ha

So, with the talk of moving, let me tell you that this whole new lifestyle is kind of making it more stressful than it would have been without it. I mean, when you're getting ready to move, you generally stop buying groceries and eat out more, just so you don't have a bunch of food to move...well, you can't do that when you're in the program at the stage I'm at. Not only do I have to figure out how to get my whole life in a truck, but now I have to figure out when to get my food and how to get it up there without having to add some huge cooler to the mix of boxes and furniture! ew!

But, Barb #1 and I came up with a plan...and that helped alot! She told me that the days of the move will be hard to follow plan, encouraged me to focus on making the best choices possible during the driving and moving, and to forgive myself when I don't follow the plan 100% during those few stressful days. Love her!

Now, back to my "OMG" Moment. This actually started a few days ago when there was a "scrub sale" at work. I went up to the sale and felt completely overwhelmed. I mean, I need new scrubs, but...seriously? $20 for a shirt that I may only wear for a couple of months? I don't think so! So, I came back down to the floor and mentioned that I have no idea what to get, because I didn't really have time to try things on that day. My friend and co-worker, Tanya, in her slight southern accent that has remained with her said, "yeah, Stace...I was gonna say, it's about that time..." while looking at my baggy-butt scrub pants (which, btw...I just bought a couple of months ago!)

So, after feeling better about everything going on in my life, and knowing I had some time to kill before meeting a friend for lunch, I went to the scrub store...and directly to the clearance section. I pulled a few pants and shirts that looked like they may go well together and went to the fitting room. Then, I had to go get...SMALLER PANTS?!?!?! I walked out frowning, not believing that I might actually need to get pants in a size XL, but I did it..."surely, they'll be too small, and I'm just in between sizes" I thought...

NOPE! Those suckers FIT! HOLY COW! Had anyone been outside the fitting room door, they would have heard the following comments: "you've got to be kidding...a 1X?...No way....(turn for a side view)...huh, I really am getting skinny!...weird! I don't get it....I can't believe it!" Basically, I sounded crazy. And, then, the tears started.

It finally happened. I SAW that I was becoming thinner. When I sit here, I don't FEEL like I'm that much thinner, but I SAW it in the mirror today! BTW-You'd be suprised how much better you look when clothes actually fit you...that's right, Stacey and Clinton were right all along!

Now, if only my therapist was still around (she moved to Colorado...which, I think should be illegal when relating to a therapist working with a client suffering from abandonment issues!) She once asked me when I thought I would have that "OMG I look different moment..." I never knew how to answer that question, and, I'm still wondering if I'll ever FEEL like that thinner person...

Oh well...I'm damned happy with what I saw today...except I bought more than I was going to and really want to go buy more!

An update...since I've been M.I.A.

I've been bad. Not really really bad, but not really good, either. All you other dieters...er...all you others going through a lifestyle change know what I mean. We fall off the wagon. No, we don't go get smashed at a bar, but we eat. And, I've been eating.

The good news? When I gained, I only went up 0.8 pounds. So, even when I was off plan, I was making better choices. But, for a couple of weeks there, I just did not care about it at all. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. ::shrug::

But, now...I've got competition. My sister has joined Jenny Craig and we've got the same amount to lose before goal. I don't like losing to my sister, so I've been using this sibling rivalry as motivation-and it's working! With the exception of last night's homemade fajitas, I've ate 100% JC food. And, thanks to the JC fajita dinner, I knew what portion sizes to eat last night (the fajita craving hit when I was at the store Saturday...didn't have a JC fajita kit like I usually do!)

So far, the scale shows a decent loss for this week. Let's hope that stays the same tomorrow! It's so funny what I catch myself thinking the night and morning before weigh-in...."don't drink that! don't eat that!" Like it's gonna matter!

Oh well.

But, on a serious note, I do know that I have to be hyper-viligant about self-monitoring in the next several weeks, because....we are buying a house. And, not just any house, a house in the western suburbs of Chicago, 2 hours from my home. It's completely scary to move to an area where I don't have anybody but my boyfriend as support...and it's only scary because I've afraid I'll turn into a needy girlfriend...and I don't wanna do that! ::stomping foot::

So, with the stress of packing, moving, traveling, getting to know my soon-to-be new town...I have to be more aware than ever of true hunger vs. emotional hunger. It's gonna be hard. I'm going to consider the next couple of months successful if I a) stay out of the hospital thanks to panic attacks, b) have a full head of hair when I get moved, and c) at least maintain my current weight. That sounds slightly doable...though, I'm not so sure about the panic attacks! lol

Wish me luck! :)

Jenny Craig Price List *updated*

For those who may find this blog and wonder about the cost...the planned menu averages $120/week, but you can see that there are less expensive items in each category (not to mention easy subs-like Total Cereal for the JC brand, etc.)

BREAKFAST:
Apple Cinnamon Waffle & Veggie Sausage 4.69
Banana Nut Mini-Loaf 2.49
Blueberry Mini-Loaf 2.49
Blueberry Pancakes and Veggie Sausage 4.69
Breakfast Scramble 4.99
Breakfast Stuffed Sandwich 4.39
Cheddar Cheese Omelet 5.99
Cinnamon French Toast 4.99
Complete Start Cereal 2.29
Cranberry Almond Cereal 2.29
Frosted Oats Cereal 2.29
Honey Oat Bar 1.99
Multi-Grain Hoops Cereal 2.19
Oatmeal Breakfast Square 1.99
Sunshine Sandwich 4.49
Triple Grain Crisps Cereal 2.29
Lite Table Syrup .50

LUNCH:
Asian Style Orange Chicken 5.99
BBQ Beef Panini 5.99
Beef Barley Stew 4.99
Beef Chow Mein 5.59
Broccoli and Cheese Potato 4.49
Cheesy Enchilada 5.59
Cheesy Potatoes and Chicken 6.59
Chicken Marsala 6.59
Chicken Salad Kit 5.39
Chicken Sandwich 5.39
Chicken Stuffed Sandwich 5.39
Clam Chowder 4.99
Creamy Chicken and Corn Chowder 4.99
Meatball Stuffed Sandwich 5.39
Personal Pizza 5.59
Pesto Pizza 5.59
Philly Steak Cheese Panini 5.99
Rotini with Meatballs 5.59
Southwestern Chicken with Rice 5.49
Swedish Meatballs 5.59
Tuna Salad Kit 5.39
Turkey Burger 5.39
Turkey Club Panini 5.99
Turkey Cranberry Salad Kit 5.39
Zesty Tortellini Soup 4.99

DINNER:
Beef Chili with Beans 4.99
Cashew Chicken 6.59
Cheese Ravioli 5.59
Chicken Carbonara 6.49
Chicken Fajitas 6.59
Chicken Fettucine 6.59
Chicken Florentine Lasagna 5.99
Chicken Pasta Parmesan 5.59
Chicken Pesto Pasta 6.99
Classico Chicken Parmesan 6.59
Cookout Chicken and Beans 5.59
Fish and Chips 6.59
Lentils with Beef 5.59
Macaroni and Cheese 5.59
Mashed Potatoes with Beef 5.59
Meat Loaf with BBQ Sauce 6.59
Pasta Fagioli 5.59
Penne Pasta 5.59
Rising Crust Pizza 5.49
Salisbury Steak 6.59
Sesame Chicken 5.99
Spaghetti with Meatballs 6.59
Sweet and Sour Chicken 5.59
Teriyaki Glazed Salmon 6.99
Three Cheese Ziti Marinara 5.59
Traditional Lasagna 6.59
Turkey Chili 5.59
Turkey with Gravy 6.59

SNACKS AND DESSERTS:
Bruschetta Veggie Chips 1.99
Cheese Curls 1.99
Chocolate Mini Cakes 2.29
Chocolatey Caramel Peanut Bar 1.99
Chocolate Chip Snack Bar 1.99
Chocolate Walnut Brownie 2.29
Cinnamon Twists 1.99
Cookies and Cream Cheesecake 2.69
Ginger Bell Cookies (8 servings) 9.99
Honey Mustard Pretzels 1.99
Lemon Mini Cakes 2.29
Pumpkin Spice Cake 2.69
S'mores Bar 1.99
Soft Chocolate Chip Cookie 1.99
Strawberry Cakes 2.49
Toffee Cookies 1.99
Triple Chocolate Cheesecake 2.69
White Cheddar Popcorn 1.99
Yogurt Dream Bar 1.99

SOUPITIZER SOUPS:
Tomato Florentine 2.99
Veg Minestrone 2.99

SALAD DRESSINGS:
Balsamic .40
Ranch .40

VITAMINS/SUPPLEMENTS:
MultiPlus (7) 3.49
Oatmeal Raisin Anytime Bar (7) 9.99
Peanut Butter Chocolate Anytime Bar (7) 9.99
ProTect Plus (28) 12.99
Vanilla Chocolate Anytime Bar (7) 9.99

Random ramblings...

So, I finally got in with my therapist...who's moving to Colorado. UGH! I go back next week to meet with the counselor with whom she thinks I will mesh well. So not looking forward to (in theory) starting over, but...maybe it will be a good thing.

Anyway...on the non-weight loss side of life...Haroon and I are getting ready to look at houses! Like, for real...not just online. So exciting! I'm just so blessed. I mean, I never, EVER thought I would feel like this. I never thought that I would find a man that truly loved me, much less said so! And, to hear and see his excitement when he talks about living with me and spending the rest of our lives together...never dreamed it would happen to me.

I'm not one of those women who's had my wedding planned since age 5. In fact, I only really started to think about it a few months ago. I see a wedding planner in my future...lol

But, seriously...I just feel so blessed that things have worked out like they have. I met the man of my dreams, who loves me for me, with or without the extra padding.

And, I'm finally doing something solely for myself-losing this extra weight! I still can't believe it's really happening. It's just unreal. I'm 20 pounds from my weight in 2000. And, 104 from my goal (which just sounds like an unreal amount, but...whatever). And, one of these days, my driver's license weight will actually be too high! lol That will be the day!