Why, yes, I have been MIA

I have had a lot happening since last I posted. The good news, I've still lost some weight since my last post, and, despite several stressors have not gained back anything that I've lost so far. The bad news...I've become complacent!

Last week's weigh-in was 256.2, which is a loss of 73.8 pounds. Here's a couple of comparison pics from a few months ago, for those who are interested:




As you can see, there is a huge difference. :) However, I still struggle with my mental image of my body. In my head, I'm still at 330. Lately, it seems to be worse, and I can only assume that it's because I've fallen off the bandwagon lately.

I can't even pinpoint why I've been struggling so hard. I'm sure that part of it is living with Haroon full time and wanting to share meals with him and not "lose out" on experiences. But, why do we always equate good times with food? That's a societal problem, I know...not something unique to us! And, I know part of it has been my depression going untreated for awhile. Some of you may know that, before I started Jenny Craig, I started seeing a therapist for the issues leading to my emotional eating. Well, she moved, and then I moved...and work sucked...and, well, you all know (or should by now!) that isolation is the last thing someone fighting depression needs. But, my work hours have improved, I'm spending less time alone and feeling better---so why can't I get back on track?

First of all, I love cooking dinner for Haroon. But, it's silly to cook for him and then not eat it, you know?

My JCC is not as cool as I thought she was going to be. She talks....alot....and never really about weight loss or how I'm doing. I haven't even been measured since I started at this centre because she insists that my waist in about two inches below my bra band, which...um...hello...is still over my ribs, and those aren't going to change. Most of the time, she's running late, and then spends the time trying to excuse tardiness by telling me how the previous client was running late/really struggling/etc. I don't care!

Haroon has asked why I haven't started somewhere else yet....to tell you the truth...I don't know. Writing this now, I'm wondering if I'm just fearful of hitting that magical "half-way" point. But, will I ever get to the JC half-way with a JCC that doesn't help? Will the third try in JCC be "the charm?" I don't know. And, how the hell am I going to get motivated to get going again? To exercise?

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and hope that my writing this help someone else to realize he or she is not alone, as well.

So, for those still following....what do you do when you reach a state of complacency?

Well...first bummer...

So, this weekend was a BUSY weekend.

Friday, I worked a 12-hour shift and came home to a messy apartment (big surprise). That night, my wonderful boyfriend and primary cheerleader, Haroon, came down to see me. He came early (yay!) for a fun-filled family event-filled weekend (lucky him!). I weighed myself out of curiousity and was down over 2 pounds. Yay, me!

Saturday, we had a birthday party for my now 4-year-old nephew, Nathan. First of all...where have the years gone? He's so grown up now! I decided that I could eat the food they served there and not go too horribly off plan. I did very well, if I say so myself. One piece of bbq pork (excess sauce scraped off), and some baked beans. But, to celebrate both his bday and my success so far, I decided that I could afford a small piece of cake. So, I had a small corner piece (extra icing that way! Ssh!). I was very happy with my choices, and my JCC, Barb, told me I did well when I saw her today.

Then, Sunday, we got up early to head to church for my new niece's baptism. I think this is when things took a turn. I knew where we would be going for lunch ahead of time, and spoke with Barb for ideas. She suggested a wonderfully delicious spinach salad with strawberries, grapes, walnuts and goat cheese. It was sooooo good, I can still taste it (and want to again!). I did have one small square of pizza, just to taste, and it really didn't taste that great-nothing compared to my salad anyway!

But, last night, and I have no idea why...maybe because I was tired? I just could not get myself to make the right decision and eat my JC food. After trying to quench whatever craving I was having with all JC-approved foods (except what was on my menu-bad girl!), I still wasn't satisfied. So, I gave in and ate junk. Pizza rolls.

Ugh...I felt horrible afterwards. Both physically and emotionally. I was discouraged, guilty and pissed with myself.

But..."it's progress, not perfection!" I had one slip up in over 30 days of following my plan. Why should I feel guilty?

Today's weigh-in exacerbated the guilt. I did not lose, but I gained 0.2 pounds (which, I'm sure is some water-retention, due to Friday night's weigh-in). Overall, I can't be upset with myself for that....every attempt at weight loss has its ups and downs. And, for an up, 0.2 is just not that bad.

However, I did have some trouble getting back on plan again today. I don't know why, I just did. So, I'm making myself a promise...tomorrow is a new day, and it will be a JC day.

OMG! This is REALLY happening!

So, I'm a little late. I usually post on my weigh-in days, but I just couldn't get my mind to slow down well enough to write that night.

This week, I had my first "milestone" appointment with Jenny Craig (JC) and my consultant (JCC). Again...OMG! I have lost 9.8 pounds and 3 inches total! I still can't really believe it.

I mean, really....who would have thought that simply EATING food that tastes GOOD could result in losses like this? I mean, I still haven't been able to work out, so I really just was NOT expecting to see any loss of inches....but, THREE??? That's freakin' amazing!

I also started some paperclip chains...one boring silver one of 100 paperclips, and one of colorful fun-shaped paperclips. Hee hee, it started out only because my paperclip dispensers were too full, but I am loving having something to look at and see my progress! Granted, the 100 paperclips still look like an awful lot, but I love seeing that colorful chain grow!

Can you imagine what it's like to lose 10 of these:



No wonder there was some inches lost! That yellow blob is supposedly what ONE POUND of fat looks like. EW!

Week Two...done!

Well, week two was not as great. But, I'm to blame for a lot of that. The good news? I didn't gain! And, I DID lose!

So, what was different this week?

Well, I'm still not able to work out, but today I DID finally get the OK to at least do a stationary bike :) yay! And, last week was my "time of the month (TOM)," and I have a lot of pain with my TOM, so I really had a hard time getting my calories in...and, I didn't drink enough water.

You see? It's all about following the program!

I did lose 0.8 pounds, bringing my total in two weeks to 6.4 pounds. I'm happy with that. And, I talked to my Jenny Craig Consultant (JCC), and we literally pasted together a menu that I am going to follow TO A" T" this week. I'll have to let you know how it goes :)

What a Week!

So, I have finished one week on Jenny Craig. Keeping in mind that I was injured (still) and off work (again) this week, I could not workout at all. I was not really expecting much of a loss on the scale this week. Boy, was I wrong! I lost 5.6 pounds!! OMG!!!

I love the food--it really is "so good!" No one on those commercials was lying...and I even made really good choices when I ate out without planning on it! I'm so stinking proud of myself that I could scream...in a good way!

I called my BF right after I left the JC center with my second week's worth of meals crying because I couldn't believe what the scale showed!

I'm looking sooo forward to next week's weigh-in. I'm wondering how being more and more active will change things.

And, I got a niece...who's adorable :)

Starting Out

To start, let's be clear: I have ALWAYS been fat. I remember my mother taking me to Weight Watchers in third grade...THIRD GRADE! What kind of message does that send!?! Oh well, what's done is done...but, as you can see, I'm still needing to lose weight. So, obviously, WW doesn't work when you have someone fixing all your food for you and not really learning anything about how to eat.

But, that's still not what got me to 330 pounds. What got me to this point is that I never learned to cope with feelings of depression, anxiety, sadness...even happiness and joy...without FOOD. I'm an emotional eater. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something I have accepted....now.

So, after years of being unhappy with my body and trying (and failing!) so many weight loss programs or diets--weight watchers (a few times as an adult), Atkins, South Beach, Protein Power, Slim Fast, you name it--I've decided that I need to try something I've put off for quite some time. Yesterday, I joined Jenny Craig.

It's something I always thought "would work for me," but the cost was a BIG issue. Now, I'm at a much more financially stable point in my life and...guess what? I've decided I'M WORTH THE INVESTMENT!!! That's a big step for someone like me. I've never put myself first. But, dammit, THAT is changing NOW.

Now, I didn't sign up for Jenny Craig without thinking about it for quite some time. I first signed up for their forums on jennycraig.com over a year ago. I'd browse the forums, see how happy everyone was on the program and then sigh, thinking "well, maybe someday..." F that! My someday is today!

There are some amazing transformations on those boards! And, they are people who have kept the weight off! And, we're not talking about people who've only kept off 20 or so pounds...we're talking over 100 pounds lost! Right where I need to be, too!

So, today is day one with the JC food. Right now, I'm off to the grocery store to pick up my fruits and veggies for the week. I'll let you know how my first day went later on today.