So, It's been awhile, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...I've been AWOL. Let me explain...and, if not for anyone else, for myself. It's time to get these thoughts "out there" and admit to some lack of individual accountability. My only hope is that someone else may be able to take something from all this, too.

So, my last post was the "after thirty pounds" pictures. Gotta tell ya...I think taking those pictures was a mistake. Not only did I see the weight loss, which, initially was AWESOME! But, I also started putting "two and two together."

Shortly after those pictures were taken, I started to sneak some snacks. Not even "sneak," but...I just kept thinking "oh one of these won't hurt..." But, then that "one" turned into "one a day" then more. Ugh.

But, it wasn't just that. It didn't take long for me to realize that other people were seeing a difference in me, too. And, I'm not sure if it was the weight loss or the confidence that did it. But, one day at work, a co-worker mentioned that a man was watching me as I worked, and she teased that he must "like" me. It was a man that I have to work with often. Then, later that day, he called me into a meeting, and then into a private conversation, and that type of activity continued. I'm not interested in this man in the least, but...when he made it a point to touch my arm during the talks, my guard went up...and I didn't even know it.

I started to shut down. I didn't trust my own decisions anymore. I was eating off-plan (and hating it while I was doing it, but something deep down was allowing me to justify it somehow), drinking more soda (diet, but still) than water, and starting to hide behind bigger clothes. It wasn't until I saw myself in the mirror one day with these baggy, BAGGY (think M.C. Hammer) pants on that I realized how wrong things had become. My weight loss stalled during this time somewhat-nearly one pound one week, then maintaining for two more weeks. Go figure, right? When you're not on plan, you don't lose!

I made an appointment to see my therapist, Jen. But, that appointment was going to take a few weeks to get to...and then, she had to cancel because of a stupid snow storm! Ugh!

But, the day before my appointment was supposed to happen, I opened up to my JCC, Barb. She's been there, she told me. She's the one that identified that I wasn't even trusting my own decisions at this time. Metabolic Max had just come out at JC and she went over it with me, pointing out the reasons she thought it may be a good idea for me (berating myself for going off-plan, not working out enough, etc), but acknowledged that it wasn't the right time for me to make the decision (LOVE HER!).

Somehow, during that talk with Barb, everything snapped back into place. I went back on plan nearly 100% that week (some rice cakes and regular Sprite when I was sent home sick) and am happy to report a 5 pound weight loss today! Amazing!

Let's hope that this week's therapy appointment can keep things going and help me get ready for the added attention this weight loss is going to bring. I've never been the thinnest girl in my group of friends, I've never been the girl guys wanted. And, I don't want to be that girl now...I have a wonderful man who LOVES ME FOR ME! (thank God I found him when I was fat!) But, I do want to be able to handle that attention when it comes. Only time will tell...