Deciding to DO IT

8/12/10
So, today I called Jenny Craig. I wanted to call just to find out what their hours were. Since I work 12 hour shifts, and have set appointments during the week, I had to know if it was even going to be possible to go to a center.

The first person I talked to was Kathleen, she was with a client, so she took my name and number and called me back. The call back came from Whitney, who asked some questions…including the infamous “why do you think you’re ready now?” So, I told her….I’ve been overweight forever, but it took three EMTs to pick my fat ass up after spraining BOTH ankles just walking off a damned step…”Ah, so you’ve had your wake up call. We’ve all been there.”

But the real wake up call came last Tuesday night. My BF and I were talking about moving in together, and it came out (though I had suspected it looooong before this) that he knew his parents would not accept me because of my weight. And, that he “knew” that his parents wouldn’t get past it to get to know me. The hurt I felt knowing that one day soon, he was going to feel the need to defend me to his PARENTS or worse, choose one over the other, was just too much. He deserves better than that. In a way, I’ve always known he deserves someone better than me….but I’m now determined to BE that someone.

My concern was that I would get a counselor that has only lost, like, 30 pounds. I mean, come on! I weigh 320…I need someone who’s been where I am and has gone where I’m going. Whitney told me that I would meet with her for my consultation, and then could meet Katiana (who’s lost 70+) and Barb (a new hire, starting Monday, who’s lost over 100). That’s exciting for me to hear.

Now, I say I called Jenny….but that doesn’t tell you that I’ve been stalking the JC forums for a year or so before calling…I think it was seeing Sara Rue’s newest commercial (post-50-pound loss, go girl!) and hearing the emotion in her voice at the end that did it. Having always been a fan, I can relate to her in some respects (though, thankfully for her, she’s never been as heavy as I am).

Next stop—seeing Jennifer, my psychologist on Monday (the day before my appointment at JC). I need to start talking about my self-sabotoging ways. I mean, come on…let’s be honest. I’m 31, and have been over 200 pounds for over 10 years. I’ve never stayed with anything…I always end up binging on foods I’ve bought at the store (I mean, you can always go buy more chips, right?), stop exercising (it is TOO damned early!), bought new clothes (I’ll never lose the weight anyway, might as well…). I’m DONE.

Things I want:
--to cross my legs!
--to sit in a movie theatre AND FIT
--to not dread going out in public because of fat jokes I’ll undoubtedly hear
--to sing Karaoke without worrying about how many people are making “fat lady singing” jokes
--to FEEL SEXY…even naked!
--to buy scrubs that are actually CUTE, not boring one-color numbers just because they’re in my size.
--to NOT shy away from cameras
--to be the “hot/cool/fun” aunt to my niece and nephew.
--to not put off vacations because of plane seats or fear of swimsuits.
--to go up stairs without getting out of breath or simply hurting
--to care for my patients without having to move things out of the way just to fit.
--to educate my patients as a model of health…not someone who just “talks the talk.”