Thirty Down!

Just a small update....

Had to share this, short and sweet...

I got on the scale today and I'm at THE number I never thought I would see. That's right, the big 300...actually, I'm 0.2 pounds UNDER it, thank you..

So, I got the courage to try on the smaller jeans I bought for $2.50 at the second-hand store uptown. They're on! Just wish the "muffin top" wasn't present, but it won't be there long!

Wow. :)

I have lost 20 pounds! I can't believe it. It's been such an amazing experience. I'm over feeling deprived (though, I have my moments when the work break room is full of cupcakes!) because I'm getting my chocolate cheesecakes and tons of great food (OMG...the broccoli cheese potato is my favorite after a long day at work).

What I still find really hard to wrap my head around is that my clothes aren't, like, falling off. I always thought that 20 pounds would be a huge difference. But, this time, it's not that noticeable. Maybe it's because the weight is coming off the "right" way and is melting away more proportionately...I don't know. Either way, I'm kind of glad, because...I don't have the money to buy new clothes for each size I go through. Speaking of...I found a pair of Lane Bryant jeans in a smaller size for $2.50 at a local second-hand store. Hope someone keeps donating...because, I'm going to need more! And, I really wish they would donate some scrubs, but...I digress.

I look at my motivation board (a bulletin board I've covered in paperclips, pictures and simulated photos of what I will look like after I reach my goal) and just can't believe it's actually happening.

I guess it helps to have the right motivation, you know? I mean, it took a tough discussion with my boyfriend about his family and a big fall and serious injury to wake me up. But, it's worked. I'm determined to make some serious changes in my life...and my nutrition is just the beginning. Once I'm back to 100%, my body will be the next step. But, I have to say....this journey really began long before the discussion, the fall and Jenny Craig.

It all started when I realized that I had some serious issues I needed to figure out and get help working through. In July of this year, I began seeing a psychologist, Jen. She's wonderful. But, she made me realize that I was normal...hurting and feeding that hurt the wrong way, handling stress the wrong way, etc. When I finally talked to her about starting JC, she told me..."you already started...now, it's just time to work on the food piece of the equation." SHE WAS SO RIGHT!

Losing weight is like overcoming any addiction. Food was my drug...my "go to" when I got stressed, sad, angry...and because of some deep hurts, I felt like that ALOT. And, with Jen's help, I learned when to identify my emotional eating and its triggers. Then, when I was ready to actively lose the extra weight, half the battle was already underway :)

I'm so thankful that I called for help...from both Jen's in my life. My shrink and Jenny Craig. (gets confusing for my boyfriend at times..."which Jen are you talking about?")

The rundown...

So, it's been awhile since I've sat down to write, and that's solely because of some other things that have been going on getting me down. Which reminds me of past times when I honestly thought life would be better "if only I wasn't fat..." totally not going to change the things in life that get us down! Injuries happen, BILLS happen, life is constantly going to throw us for a few loops along the way.

The REAL issue is how we DEAL with those loops. And, I'm sooo proud of myself for sticking with my program DESPITE the loops life has thrown lately. I've definitely been feeling "down," and have been battling some very negative thoughts...but, for the first time in my life, I did NOT turn to food for comfort. I still don't know how I managed it. But, I'm hoping that it's a good sign of future success with Jenny and my weight loss.

Onto the less depressing stuff...

I am VERY happy to report that I have had my second "Milestone" visit...and am down a total of 16 pounds and 5.5 inches! All in 8 weeks. Amazing. I'm so grateful to have found this program and see the success.

But, what's weird, is that I don't FEEL like I'm losing. I can tell my clothes are getting baggier (I kept tripping on my pant leg the other day!), but...I just don't SEE it. I don't see ANY change in my face...which I really expected to see by now. I'm guessing that "it" moment isn't going to happen for a few more months...I just don't know what that "it" moment is going to look like...I don't know when it's going to feel "real."

I started a motivation board in hopes that seeing some results everyday would help me stay focused. I think it's working! It all started because my paperclip dispenser was waaaay too full. Well, I had more than 100 silver paperclips, so I made 5 chains of 20. They're each on the board, and with every pound I lose, I take one off. Then, I add one colorful and fun-shaped paperclip to a new chain. It's fun to see that chain get longer :) I've also got my blue ribbon from my milestone visits...showing how many inches have come off :) I heart my board :)

I just wish that the feeling I get when I look at the board would transfer over to the way I view my body soon...I don't know how much longer I can stand not FEELING like this is happening.

Well...first bummer...

So, this weekend was a BUSY weekend.

Friday, I worked a 12-hour shift and came home to a messy apartment (big surprise). That night, my wonderful boyfriend and primary cheerleader, Haroon, came down to see me. He came early (yay!) for a fun-filled family event-filled weekend (lucky him!). I weighed myself out of curiousity and was down over 2 pounds. Yay, me!

Saturday, we had a birthday party for my now 4-year-old nephew, Nathan. First of all...where have the years gone? He's so grown up now! I decided that I could eat the food they served there and not go too horribly off plan. I did very well, if I say so myself. One piece of bbq pork (excess sauce scraped off), and some baked beans. But, to celebrate both his bday and my success so far, I decided that I could afford a small piece of cake. So, I had a small corner piece (extra icing that way! Ssh!). I was very happy with my choices, and my JCC, Barb, told me I did well when I saw her today.

Then, Sunday, we got up early to head to church for my new niece's baptism. I think this is when things took a turn. I knew where we would be going for lunch ahead of time, and spoke with Barb for ideas. She suggested a wonderfully delicious spinach salad with strawberries, grapes, walnuts and goat cheese. It was sooooo good, I can still taste it (and want to again!). I did have one small square of pizza, just to taste, and it really didn't taste that great-nothing compared to my salad anyway!

But, last night, and I have no idea why...maybe because I was tired? I just could not get myself to make the right decision and eat my JC food. After trying to quench whatever craving I was having with all JC-approved foods (except what was on my menu-bad girl!), I still wasn't satisfied. So, I gave in and ate junk. Pizza rolls.

Ugh...I felt horrible afterwards. Both physically and emotionally. I was discouraged, guilty and pissed with myself.

But..."it's progress, not perfection!" I had one slip up in over 30 days of following my plan. Why should I feel guilty?

Today's weigh-in exacerbated the guilt. I did not lose, but I gained 0.2 pounds (which, I'm sure is some water-retention, due to Friday night's weigh-in). Overall, I can't be upset with myself for that....every attempt at weight loss has its ups and downs. And, for an up, 0.2 is just not that bad.

However, I did have some trouble getting back on plan again today. I don't know why, I just did. So, I'm making myself a promise...tomorrow is a new day, and it will be a JC day.

Speechless...

...I think I'm still in shock. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. I can't even tell you how surprising that was for me!

I mean, let's recap:

31 years old, and fat the entire time. On and off of diet after diet...only to fail miserably (though, now I know it's because I had not yet addressed the emotional eating I was doing...hello, self-sabotage!). And, now...not only am I hardly ever hungry between meals, but I'm losing weight! And, I still can't really exercise, so...again...speechless!

My JCC told me she was the same way. She has already lost over 70 pounds on JC and is 40 more away from goal. She told me today that she remembers feeling the EXACT same way when she started. The "omg, this is really happening for me. this is WORKING for me" feelings are apparently very normal. And, I'll tell you why: it doesen't FEEL like a diet. I mean, in the past week I had Pizza Hut (couldn't even FINISH a 1/2 personal pan...talk about heavy!), Ruby Tuesday's (jumbo lump crab cake=OMG!), and Triple Chocolate Cheesecake (that was last night. Earlier in the week, I had Cookies-n-Cream Cheesecake! HELLOOOOO!)

If anyone reading this is just thinking about calling Jenny Craig, I encourage you to do so...it's an amazing feeling to see that scale go down EVERY week and not feel like you're missing out!

OMG! This is REALLY happening!

So, I'm a little late. I usually post on my weigh-in days, but I just couldn't get my mind to slow down well enough to write that night.

This week, I had my first "milestone" appointment with Jenny Craig (JC) and my consultant (JCC). Again...OMG! I have lost 9.8 pounds and 3 inches total! I still can't really believe it.

I mean, really....who would have thought that simply EATING food that tastes GOOD could result in losses like this? I mean, I still haven't been able to work out, so I really just was NOT expecting to see any loss of inches....but, THREE??? That's freakin' amazing!

I also started some paperclip chains...one boring silver one of 100 paperclips, and one of colorful fun-shaped paperclips. Hee hee, it started out only because my paperclip dispensers were too full, but I am loving having something to look at and see my progress! Granted, the 100 paperclips still look like an awful lot, but I love seeing that colorful chain grow!

Can you imagine what it's like to lose 10 of these:



No wonder there was some inches lost! That yellow blob is supposedly what ONE POUND of fat looks like. EW!

It just keeps coming off!

So, this week, I didn't do very good with getting my activity in...mostly because I was just so damned lazy!

But, I did drop another 1+ pounds, bringing my total for three weeks on the JC program to 7.5 pounds lost! That's pretty damned cool, if you ask me.

This afternoon, after I got back and put away all my food, I did get on the bike for 10 minutes. I went very slowly, being careful to not let those pedals shift position on me and hurt the ankles, but...it was 10 minutes activity more than I've had lately! We'll see how I do the rest of this week....

Week Two...done!

Well, week two was not as great. But, I'm to blame for a lot of that. The good news? I didn't gain! And, I DID lose!

So, what was different this week?

Well, I'm still not able to work out, but today I DID finally get the OK to at least do a stationary bike :) yay! And, last week was my "time of the month (TOM)," and I have a lot of pain with my TOM, so I really had a hard time getting my calories in...and, I didn't drink enough water.

You see? It's all about following the program!

I did lose 0.8 pounds, bringing my total in two weeks to 6.4 pounds. I'm happy with that. And, I talked to my Jenny Craig Consultant (JCC), and we literally pasted together a menu that I am going to follow TO A" T" this week. I'll have to let you know how it goes :)

What a Week!

So, I have finished one week on Jenny Craig. Keeping in mind that I was injured (still) and off work (again) this week, I could not workout at all. I was not really expecting much of a loss on the scale this week. Boy, was I wrong! I lost 5.6 pounds!! OMG!!!

I love the food--it really is "so good!" No one on those commercials was lying...and I even made really good choices when I ate out without planning on it! I'm so stinking proud of myself that I could scream...in a good way!

I called my BF right after I left the JC center with my second week's worth of meals crying because I couldn't believe what the scale showed!

I'm looking sooo forward to next week's weigh-in. I'm wondering how being more and more active will change things.

And, I got a niece...who's adorable :)

Day One...done!

So, day one on Jenny Craig food....whoa. I can't tell you how often I thought "oh my gosh, I have to eat again!" Amazing!

This morning, I went to the grocery store and got some fruits and veggies: broccoli, cauliflower, celery, salad bags (on sale due to short date--but they'll be gone in two days!), strawberries (I can eat a whole CUP of sliced strawberries...yum!), grapes (another fave!) and frozen broccoli/carrot mixes that will steam in the microwave (had to stock up, they were on sale!)

Tonight's supper takes the cake, though. The portions on Jenny are smaller than I would pick for myself, but I swear that the portion of fettucine alfredo is bigger than the Lean Cuisine option...and mixed with steamed broccoli and carrots, served with another salad (I love salad!) makes for a BIG meal.

I still have to eat another snack sometime tonight...but, it's already 9pm! Did you catch that? I said "have" to eat...amazing!

Loving JC so far! :)

Starting Out

To start, let's be clear: I have ALWAYS been fat. I remember my mother taking me to Weight Watchers in third grade...THIRD GRADE! What kind of message does that send!?! Oh well, what's done is done...but, as you can see, I'm still needing to lose weight. So, obviously, WW doesn't work when you have someone fixing all your food for you and not really learning anything about how to eat.

But, that's still not what got me to 330 pounds. What got me to this point is that I never learned to cope with feelings of depression, anxiety, sadness...even happiness and joy...without FOOD. I'm an emotional eater. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something I have accepted....now.

So, after years of being unhappy with my body and trying (and failing!) so many weight loss programs or diets--weight watchers (a few times as an adult), Atkins, South Beach, Protein Power, Slim Fast, you name it--I've decided that I need to try something I've put off for quite some time. Yesterday, I joined Jenny Craig.

It's something I always thought "would work for me," but the cost was a BIG issue. Now, I'm at a much more financially stable point in my life and...guess what? I've decided I'M WORTH THE INVESTMENT!!! That's a big step for someone like me. I've never put myself first. But, dammit, THAT is changing NOW.

Now, I didn't sign up for Jenny Craig without thinking about it for quite some time. I first signed up for their forums on jennycraig.com over a year ago. I'd browse the forums, see how happy everyone was on the program and then sigh, thinking "well, maybe someday..." F that! My someday is today!

There are some amazing transformations on those boards! And, they are people who have kept the weight off! And, we're not talking about people who've only kept off 20 or so pounds...we're talking over 100 pounds lost! Right where I need to be, too!

So, today is day one with the JC food. Right now, I'm off to the grocery store to pick up my fruits and veggies for the week. I'll let you know how my first day went later on today.

First Consultation

Today was my consultation with JC. I went to my normal therapy appointment and she was so proud of me for things that had happened (or not!) that week. I then brought up that I was thinking of starting JC. She said that technically speaking, I’d already started…by going to her and starting to work through the emotional eating. (yay, me!)

So, after that appointment, I was jazzed! And, I called the JC Center and asked to move my consultation up by a day. I did, it went great (except that whole weighing-in thing…but that will change, right?), and brought home my JC food. Tomorrow, I’ll have to go to the grocery store for my fruits and veggies, but I’m amped about the program as a whole. For those who have not seen them, the forums on jennycraig.com are amazing and full of motivating people who have posted before/after pics! Total motivation!

Deciding to DO IT

8/12/10
So, today I called Jenny Craig. I wanted to call just to find out what their hours were. Since I work 12 hour shifts, and have set appointments during the week, I had to know if it was even going to be possible to go to a center.

The first person I talked to was Kathleen, she was with a client, so she took my name and number and called me back. The call back came from Whitney, who asked some questions…including the infamous “why do you think you’re ready now?” So, I told her….I’ve been overweight forever, but it took three EMTs to pick my fat ass up after spraining BOTH ankles just walking off a damned step…”Ah, so you’ve had your wake up call. We’ve all been there.”

But the real wake up call came last Tuesday night. My BF and I were talking about moving in together, and it came out (though I had suspected it looooong before this) that he knew his parents would not accept me because of my weight. And, that he “knew” that his parents wouldn’t get past it to get to know me. The hurt I felt knowing that one day soon, he was going to feel the need to defend me to his PARENTS or worse, choose one over the other, was just too much. He deserves better than that. In a way, I’ve always known he deserves someone better than me….but I’m now determined to BE that someone.

My concern was that I would get a counselor that has only lost, like, 30 pounds. I mean, come on! I weigh 320…I need someone who’s been where I am and has gone where I’m going. Whitney told me that I would meet with her for my consultation, and then could meet Katiana (who’s lost 70+) and Barb (a new hire, starting Monday, who’s lost over 100). That’s exciting for me to hear.

Now, I say I called Jenny….but that doesn’t tell you that I’ve been stalking the JC forums for a year or so before calling…I think it was seeing Sara Rue’s newest commercial (post-50-pound loss, go girl!) and hearing the emotion in her voice at the end that did it. Having always been a fan, I can relate to her in some respects (though, thankfully for her, she’s never been as heavy as I am).

Next stop—seeing Jennifer, my psychologist on Monday (the day before my appointment at JC). I need to start talking about my self-sabotoging ways. I mean, come on…let’s be honest. I’m 31, and have been over 200 pounds for over 10 years. I’ve never stayed with anything…I always end up binging on foods I’ve bought at the store (I mean, you can always go buy more chips, right?), stop exercising (it is TOO damned early!), bought new clothes (I’ll never lose the weight anyway, might as well…). I’m DONE.

Things I want:
--to cross my legs!
--to sit in a movie theatre AND FIT
--to not dread going out in public because of fat jokes I’ll undoubtedly hear
--to sing Karaoke without worrying about how many people are making “fat lady singing” jokes
--to FEEL SEXY…even naked!
--to buy scrubs that are actually CUTE, not boring one-color numbers just because they’re in my size.
--to NOT shy away from cameras
--to be the “hot/cool/fun” aunt to my niece and nephew.
--to not put off vacations because of plane seats or fear of swimsuits.
--to go up stairs without getting out of breath or simply hurting
--to care for my patients without having to move things out of the way just to fit.
--to educate my patients as a model of health…not someone who just “talks the talk.”